Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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