at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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