My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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