I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
