On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
