the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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