If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
