If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I would fuck him just for his dog
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
