I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
