woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
