Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
It's just like the Real World with babies
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize