Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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