Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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