I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
