What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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