every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
