My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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