There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
BRING THE BAGELS
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I enjoy the company of your penis
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
