The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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