You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
