I cannot find my penis.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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