I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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