if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's never too late to be topless.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
