I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
