We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
