Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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