We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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