At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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