Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
