ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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