my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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