Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I need to calm my uterus...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
