Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
