my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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