Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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