i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
