I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
