I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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