My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Randomize
