i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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