i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
The best walk of shames are on the highway
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
