My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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