that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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