I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize