Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
