Best friends brother. Beat that.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
