the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
