i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
is that a dick in a sweater?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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