She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
