She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize