if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
