Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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