I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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