Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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