Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
