I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
