Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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