What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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