He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
