So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
