speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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