Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
