i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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