Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
