Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
