I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
